a spiritual battle indeed

well, I went for my simulation test on Thursday... no word yet as to when I start my treatment, and we wait patiently for when. there is so many warring angles working right now I could not even comprehend it if I could see it in the flesh. so many factors are raging against me and my spiritual health right now that I know i need intervention from Jesus to help me. I want to , not do any of this, (write this blog, go thru with treatment, try to fight this again, it hurts too much. I can remember last time and I am not looking forward to it again. Why am I on this earth ???? three years now and i am still not free of this demon called cancer. just as I think i can start to look in a forward direction, bam sick again , and i am done. ! I know intellectually that I need a good attitude and as i read the last few days entry's i see that i had one. I think it has to do with the fact that I have become more of a liability to my family and friends than an asset and I never wanted to be that. it was really hard for me to go to the simulation test because they fit me with this mask again and it does not feel all that great. if you are the claustrophobic type then it is not for you. well at least i am keeping my commitment to write in this journal because that is all i have that I can say i have accomplished, I know this is a bad attitude day, but what do you want all sunshine and lollipop's. ? I suppose I should be grateful because others have it a lot worse than me so maybe the next entry will reflect a better me......